She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
