I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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