he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
