if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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