I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
