im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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