I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?