i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?