New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"