the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
