Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
