Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
