Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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