$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
