Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say š
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
What part of āthe stripper has a gun, we need to leaveā is confusing you? Sheās drunk, sheās fucking crazy and NOW SHEāS PACKING HEAT!
Let me call you later. Iām lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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