If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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