You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
