He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Randomize
