well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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