not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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