tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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