I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
