He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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