The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
