Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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