So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
