gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
