I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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