You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
