Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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