You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize