He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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