i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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