I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
