Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
