considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
