the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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