I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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