i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
