I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize