Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
