Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Swine flu is the new snow day.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
