I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Randomize
