Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
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Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
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Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize