she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
