i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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