Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
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