I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
