He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
