We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I love you. Go after that dick
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
