Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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