oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
