just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
