I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
