Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
