u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
